CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
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Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
A – absolute
D – disaster
U – usually
L – looking
T – tired
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
Me: It’s so good to have time off to write!
Neighbor: It’s chainsaw day, bitches!
Ugh.
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
Wife: Can you turn on the computer?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of computer]
Wife: why for everything
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover