Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.

Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.

Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.

Young Sheldon
Sheldon
Elder Sheldon
Sheldon on Death’s Door
ETERNAL SHELDON OF THE THIRTEEN REALMS

10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.

Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.

[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?

Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey

Me: I am the smartest person alive!

Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.

Me:

Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!

Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad

*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate*

*Creates a soulmate*

For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)

good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room

I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱

the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish

The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.

Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?

Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!

HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall

Me: that was unclear

My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…

Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.

[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you

I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.

If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.

I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.

Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!

Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing

what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar

As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.

Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read

[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]

ME: Thank you all for coming

37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?

Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.

[house hunting]

ME: I can see us settling down here

REALTOR: oh you have a family?

ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet

ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.

HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?

ME: *lifts visor* Just me.