CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
You Might Also Like
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
If I die my ghost better come back and do some laundry so I have some clean sheets to wear
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
Pro Tip: If you order two drinks at McDonald’s, they’ll think you’re sharing all that food with another person.
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
Sure, I have a talent for shirking, but it’s not like I didn’t have to work at it too.
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
In-person meetings at the office are a wonderful way to help your developers take a break from being productive
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.