CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
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Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
A billionaire has built a submersible, saying he wants to prove it’s still safe to visit the Titanic. Somebody tell these guys it wasn’t even safe to be ON the Titanic!
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
Mr. Potato Head is not doing well. Tuberculosis.
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
