CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
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Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
*watching our 7yo’s softball game*
Me: Where’s our kid?
Him: The one dancing
Me: Ah, yes
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
i often find myself insisting to my partner that i only have “normal bag stuff” in my rucksack and “yes i do need to carry around all those items”, so it pains me to say that today i found an unopened jar of roasted garlic cloves in there
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.