Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.

My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.

I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.

Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.

Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die

Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.

Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/

Applying for jobs sometimes is wild like how am i supposed to be passionate about a company I don’t even work for yet?

How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…

Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…

Prince William: Definitely not racistly!

ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang

SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?

ME: I have no idea

I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me

Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.

*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]

I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.

federal employees putting floppy discs into their work computers from 1996 and watching people accuse the government of having the technology to create hurricanes

Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual

once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches

Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”

Me: I’ll never do that again
Me 5 minutes later: Agains

*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*

Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?

some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor

Googles *getting back in shape*

Google: back?

Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..

If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.

Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?

Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*

After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic

The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him

I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.

[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless

I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that

“That’s so cool,” she lied.