(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
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I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
Free him
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
yes hello I’d like to exchange my generational trauma for generational wealth please
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
“Where are the new books?”
“On these shelves over here.”
“No, where are the books that are actually new?”
“…These shelves?”
“No, that’s wrong. There’s a book on there that was also there last week. Would you call that new?”
“I mean, they’re not avocados, it’s still good.”
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
Shallow zombies are like “looooooooks”
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
uncle dave has been through hell
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️