(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
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Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man