FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
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My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
HR: Do you want your name on the October birthday list?
HR: Why not?
Me: Because I’m not in Kindergarten.
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?