@VaguelyFunnyDan

(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)

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@roxiqt

FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?

ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.

@GrantTanaka

My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu

@TheMichaelRock

HR: Do you want your name on the October birthday list?

Me: Nope.

HR: Why not?

Me: Because I’m not in Kindergarten.

@mrjohntofu

Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.

@Shade510

Daughter: *calling up the steps

Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.

Me: *appears wearing just a toga

All set.

@hangin_out

Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.

@BlackJerms

I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great

@ShawnIzadi

Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.

@david8hughes

Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?