Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.

But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.

If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed

Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?

Him: …

*peeks under bathroom stall*

Did you hear me?

Love means never having to say you’re sorry.

…so does murder.

I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game

I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional network

LinkedIn Park

Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”

Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”

A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold

[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that

There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it

never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again

There are 2 types of buyers in me:

1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago

2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??

Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.

Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?

E1: Lol, “amusement park.”

I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.

I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”

My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…

My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.

She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂

Me: this movie sucks

Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!

If you see something, say something.

My dog: i got this

For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.

GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”

ME: “Yes”

GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”

ME: “YES”

GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”

ME: “I’m out”

Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.

Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!

Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?

Me: Two.

4-year-old: It was nine.

Teaching her to count was a mistake.

“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.

Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.

Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.

BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.

The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.

CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea

Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.

ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.

GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.

ME: It’s just SO big.