Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Eating wings is the opposite of flying

Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off

Me: You know what I don’t get?

Friend: Laid.

Me:

Friend:

Me: You know what else I don’t get?

Couldn’t look worse today.

Time to run into an ex…

Angel: Whatcha makin?

God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.

Angel: That sounds innovative-

God: Others will eat them and die

Angel: …is this a prank?

[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”

me: dating is hard

me on a date: i call my iphone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with my glasses on either.

“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog

They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light

Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.

its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again

there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.

At my age, you check a friend’s FB page to make sure they’re still alive before wishing them a happy birthday.

Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?

dad: i’ve got something special for you.

kid me: wow what is it?

dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-

kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.

i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator

VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?

WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol

customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it

“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”

– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am

Dogdamnit, autocarrot.

It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer

Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.

You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.

girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??

At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real

this is the kind of friend i am

My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”

Me: get murdered or die trying amirite

Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered

If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.

That’s probably where I’m selling it at.

the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this