Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
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“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope