Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
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Trying to explain that I’m fascinated by Japan for wood joinery reasons and not nerd or pervert reasons.
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
*with the intention of bragging
I just won $7 and a free play on my lottery tickets. Only cost me $36 to achieve this
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
ARE YOU READY FOR TACOOO TUESDAAYYYY?
— my kid on a Saturday
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
become ungovernable
Me irl
