Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
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this isn’t threatening at all
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
Baking is just science you can eat.
Dog: I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO OUTSIDE NOW TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO SO BAD
Me: omg okay
[45 minutes into our walk]
Me: OMG GO TO THE BATHROOM
Dog: none of these spots meet my strict criteria
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench: