Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
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PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.