Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
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Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
Me: We are underbudget this month!
Dog: *eats kid’s retainers*
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
One more week not killing my basil plant so I’m a farmer now
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
My hot flashes are so bad, I bought a frozen pizza and by the time I got it home, it was all brown and bubbly.
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes