Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
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I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”