Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
You Might Also Like
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
me: i need to make a follow up appointment
receptionist: ok how about 10 next tuesday
me: no i only need one
starting a garage orchestra
used the phrase “it’s actually a secret third thing” in response to a question from my dissertation committee yesterday and nobody laughed, rip
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
Told my kids the music video Land of confusion by Genesis freaked me out as a kid, so they wanted to watch it…Freaked them out too. Family traditions are important
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
