Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
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5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
My beach vacation Google searches
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
They should combine the running of the bulls with tour de France next year.
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
look detective, we’re ALL looking for a hot 5’ 10” guy with athletic build and strong follow through instincts
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
me after drinking all the wine:
trying to win an argument online is sociopathic. i would concede anything to get a stranger to leave me alone.
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this