Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.

At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.

A friend who’s a former British military officer told me that when he was training soldiers in jungle warfare they were taught that if they got lost in the jungle, the first thing they should do was to brew a cup of tea and think about what to do next.

I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.

i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him

Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.

me: how was your day

5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!

Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.

Again.

Jennifer who dumped me in Junior High now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.

Oh, how the tables have turned Jennifer.

How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?

Please say like 5 months?

My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight

cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion

Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.

Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.

sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go

*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”

My kids: can I have some of that bacon?

Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg*

*Makes cereal for my breakfast*

Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.

3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.

Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob

I hate elevators, they give me vertigo

I take many steps to avoid them

“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”

– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect

if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up

follow me for more life hacks

*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.

*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.

I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store

the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”

Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills

[holding an acorn]

“do you still love me?”

Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”

“Shaddup you!”

I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom

[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!

Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot

I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.