Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
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If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed