confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
You Might Also Like
Optimist: The cup is half full.
Pessimist: The cup is half empty.
Taxidermist: The cup was empty, but I stuffed it full again.
Bigamist: I think this is Rachel’s cup. Or Amy’s. Maybe Susan’s?
Alarmist: Someone drank out of my cup! Watch out for thirsty burglars, people!
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
mom gave me mine for free
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
There should be a Mad Max movie that reveals the world outside Australia has actually remained pretty normal
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
If I was a rock I’d be a pink quartz, polished smooth by my kids’ hands touching me all the time.
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people