confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
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The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
Meteorologist: It’s going to get even hotter.
Me [on fire]: HOW
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
Facebook marketplace is a different world
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DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.