Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
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M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
{during sex}
him: i’m sorry, did you just say “faster, papa smurf”
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
marvel comics have peaked
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
Mother’s Day: Ideally, the one holiday I don’t personally have to handle.
The Reality: “Mom, where’s the tape? Wrapping paper? How do you spell ‘mother’?”
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
I told my three year old that AI might go away and he wept for five fortnights at the thought of losing his large language model mother (my AI girlfriend)
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same