Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.

Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.

Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.

I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.

WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers

cop: do you know how fast you were going?

me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy

I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.

I camp so other people don’t have to.

why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?

Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.

I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.

[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body

Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.

[meeting]

Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children

Demon in the back: I have the soy latte

If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.

i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything

I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”

[date]

Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?

Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.

Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!

Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.

The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.

My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.

Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.

Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺

If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.

Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-

mathematically impossible

I mean…but I did

Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?

Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine

PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.

Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.

ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.

GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-

ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION