Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
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You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
When do elections stop being the most important ones of our lifetime because I’ve been through like 5 of those
requesting PTO at work is so embarrassing. “hi boss permission to enjoy my life for 3 days?”
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
Time heals everything 🙂
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*