Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
You Might Also Like
me: dating is hard
me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but it’s usually a light sentence
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
Airbnb host reported me for having my friend over so I reported her for having an undisclosed ring camera … we’re having a report
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
-No, there isn’t a town called ”Garbage” anywhere in England, stop looking at that map. I hate to break this to you, but when our neighbors called you ”King of garbage” that wasn’t a compliment
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
me when i smell free food in the break room
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.