Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
You Might Also Like
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Dogs can’t take cross-sectional X-rays and make three dimensional medical images.
Cats can.
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.