Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.

I like to record the results and statistics of female tennis players.

I do this on a Steffi Graph.

[watching This Is Us]

*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.

Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?

Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea

Patient: what? I don’t understand

Me (starts slow clap)

[in the bedroom]

Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.

Me: Okay.

H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*

commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart

That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material

Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.

No parenting book prepares you to answer the question, “Does Lightning McQueen have car insurance or life insurance?”

Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.

A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.

I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.

Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug

if the plane can’t go to the gate, that has nothing to do with me. We landed. I can get out and walk

I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations

I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.

No pun in ten did.

If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?

Everyone thinks they’re brave right up until a goose starts chasing them.

i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want

Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.

hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday

If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?

Welcome to the stomach

I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.

[Me as 911 Operator]

*phone rings*

I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”

SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have

SCOOBY DOO: rabies

SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant

[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinking

PATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up

MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?

I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal