Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
You Might Also Like
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
If you’re testing me, we failed.
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
sorry i left you on read i didn’t mean to open it just yet
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”