Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
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*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.