Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.

I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.

If only.

A person on the check out saw my son holding a dinosaur toy & tried to play with him saying “ahh will it eat me!?” & he just looked at her, with the straightest, most confused face ever, and said “no, it’s a herbivore” 😂 #Autism

7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!

4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!

[Mom group]

New mom: My six-month-old is teething.

My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.

When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”

Siri just told me that traffic is light and I can make it home in 7 minutes. I am home. Where tf does she think we’re at right now.

it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”

I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.

“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”

My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.

I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.

Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping

The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.

I should’ve peed first

– my headstone

[Home invasion]

Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married

abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails

if someone has a question, I do not want to know

looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours

Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.

Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.

Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified

(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace

If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”

Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.

Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.

“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves

As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”

My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess

It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’