Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.

The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together

Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”

For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.

*looks at recipe prep time: 10 minutes*

*two hours later*

Me: LIAR!

I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.

Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”

NBA:

Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?

Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin

“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”

*Kanye slowly sits down*

some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]

Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?

The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper

Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.

theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.

findings: I am going to barf very soon.

I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework

I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.

Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.

No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.

My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.

It’s like looking in a mirror.

karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple

[later]

my bully brad: you’re stupid

me: where is your place of worship

Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?

I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”

I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.

I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!

Me:

My cat: wow you sure nap a lot

My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.

Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.

My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.

* Kindergarten*

Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]

[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read

the last thing a carrot sees