Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.

The next person to ring the doorbell on a Saturday trying to sell something will be subjected to my 6yo’s full lecture on lizards, and let me warn you, it’s long

It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others

I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR

New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.

Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9

Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @

Me: DAMMIT

the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us

Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?

I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.

What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?

[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count

Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.

Canadian owl: Eh?

Me: *wakes up screaming*

Wife: What’s wrong?

Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again

Wife: Need some help?

Me: AHHH

If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too

Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.

Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”

I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.

Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs

So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?

Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.

DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.

Fiction has to make sense.

You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.

Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.

Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.

You may think no one is there for you, but there’s laundry. Laundry is always there for you

Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.

Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?

Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left

*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*

I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.