I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
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I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
getting old is fun
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?