Confusing Math:

Dogs = Awesome
Chocolate = Awesome
Dogs + Chocolate = Not Awesome

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Pretended to add my number into this obnoxious guy’s phone. All I did was edit his mom’s contact. Hope she likes dick pics and booty calls.


*Deserted Island*

Other Survivor: We should only use our water for emergencies

Me: *waiting for my sponge dinosaurs to expand* Agreed


why do parents get mad when u sleep all day like im staying out of trouble and im not spending your money like what is the issue here


The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…


INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
IN: Please say something.


Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.


*Adorns new baby with:

Infinity scarf
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*

They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!


My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.


My child: Picks cookie with the most icing

Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off