@jamdugg

Confusing Math:

Dogs = Awesome
Chocolate = Awesome
Dogs + Chocolate = Not Awesome

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@Sassafrantz

Pretended to add my number into this obnoxious guy’s phone. All I did was edit his mom’s contact. Hope she likes dick pics and booty calls.

@Browtweaten

*Deserted Island*

Other Survivor: We should only use our water for emergencies

Me: *waiting for my sponge dinosaurs to expand* Agreed

@pakalupapito

why do parents get mad when u sleep all day like im staying out of trouble and im not spending your money like what is the issue here

@WilliamRodgers

The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…

@Bexdora

INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.

@ThisOneSayz

Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.

@LifeUnPinterest

*Adorns new baby with:

Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*

They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!

@_davidlucas_

My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.

@mom_ontherocks

My child: Picks cookie with the most icing

Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off