Pretended to add my number into this obnoxious guy’s phone. All I did was edit his mom’s contact. Hope she likes dick pics and booty calls.
Dogs = Awesome
Chocolate = Awesome
Dogs + Chocolate = Not Awesome
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Other Survivor: We should only use our water for emergencies
Me: *waiting for my sponge dinosaurs to expand* Agreed
why do parents get mad when u sleep all day like im staying out of trouble and im not spending your money like what is the issue here
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
Are all NASCAR fans fat with goatee’s or is that just the women?
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
IN: Please say something.
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
*Adorns new baby with:
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*
They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off