Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s

My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often

Me: What did you learn about at school?

10-year-old: States.

Me: What did you learn about them?

10: That there’s too many.

Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills

DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building

My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.

When the doctor asks about my sex life.

It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.

My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”

My wife died, so I was a free man.

Then she came back and bit me.

Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.

Whether it’s oversharing with cashiers, feeding stray animals or making paper dolls with celebrity faces we all have our way of coping with loneliness. The important thing is not to get carried away and start a podcast

The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality

[Dinner party]

ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.

HOST: MY TURTLES!

How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?

Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?

Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me

Hot singles in your area are eating chili.

*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?

[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow

“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”

Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.

I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.

Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written

I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!

Me: I can’t make it in today.

Boss: How sick are you?

M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.

B: Jesus, you ARE sick.

[blind date]

JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers

HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet

JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers

Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.

“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.

Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?

[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man