Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…

I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services

It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.

Saw an Italian nativity scene:

• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys

Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …

nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence

I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.

me: want to read more harry potter?

7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore

me: dumbledore

7: right, dumpledore

me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ

I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips

my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters

*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*

The way time stretches between the moment you put your hands under the air dryer and the realisation it is in fact a paper towel dispenser.

I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.

Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.

[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?

Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool

LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars

My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.

Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.

“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”

Brain: Magical!

“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”

-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses

The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.

LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?

As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.

The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.

Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…

Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.

I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.

The grumpy one is crab B.

Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.

Hello 911? Yes my wife is forcing me to walk over to meet the neighbors.

Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier