Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
You Might Also Like
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
Shout out to everyone who, like me, missed the northern lights for the second time in 2024.
Happy #NationalPoetryDay 🙂
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
yes… yes…
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
My wife was doing her morning crossword and asked…
“Where is Dakar” And I answered… “in da garage”.
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
9yo: have you heard the song “I like big butts and I cannot lie”?
me: yes, but that song is inappropriate.
9yo: oh… so I should lie?
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
VERY excited to choose the food with the caterer for our wedding soon. it’s the ultimate versionnof my favorite game (looking at a restaurant menu and deciding what i’d like to eat)
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat