Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window

When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.

Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.

11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O

Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.

Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?

If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.

My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back

Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.

They put me in the ICU.

Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.

The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky

Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.

Just tried a “sorry this is my first day” to a customer’s question and he was like I saw you here two weeks ago!

“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”

*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*

Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip

God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?

Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?

God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…

People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.

According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/

Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.

I know this now.

As per my last nervous breakdown

“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”

~Management

My phone:

My phone:

My phone:

My phone:

My hands: holding anything messy.

My phone: *ring*

i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns

ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no

Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.

I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down

Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?

Guy: One ton

Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy

What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]

my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you

Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.

Family:

M:

Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.