Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
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My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
Chicago sounds lovely.
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
This is my cat’s medicine.
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan