Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
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Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT