Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
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My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
Due to inflation, a picture is now worth 2370 words.
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.