“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
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Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
termites walking up to the ark: two please
noah: any dietary restrictions?
termite: yeah we only eat woo—
noah:
termite: *noticing sheep* —ool. wool
noah:
termites:
noah: *getting down real close* stay the hell out of my sweaters
The investigative skill of our customs officers is unbelievable. As in this case, it is often a tiny, almost imperceptible nuance that alerts their attention and leads to a seizure.
Wikigenius
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.