I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
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we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there