Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.

I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face

[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]

[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]

“Stop hurting that octopus!”

Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.

What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?

I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.

So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.

i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either

My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.

Who called pee urine when it’s clearly holey water?

“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.

I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.

No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck

No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.

Playdough smells better than other philosophers

ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes

Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?

Me: I don’t have Netflix

Her: It means sex

Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either

[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews

We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair

My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.

THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What

Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this

One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.

Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.

If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy

CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions

I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.

[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.

I am HOWLING at this

[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?