Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
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WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
Monday
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
Did you know that when you meet an Indian, you can choose not to mention “Slumdog Millionaire”?
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
Happy for shogun. The show that dared to ask questions like “what if we have good lighting?” and “what if you can see what’s happening? Even at night???”
181.
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
DEESCALATE is the perfect word to yell to escalate any situation.
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
My wife got mad at me because I got fast food without asking her if she wanted anything, so she used her flat iron to turn my curly fries into regular fries.
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
worst…sale…ever
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.