Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
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U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
Whenever I see anyone tweeting about donuts, I think “ugh”. Not because I’m disgusted by deep-fried sugary treats, but because those are the letters I want to insert into the spelling.
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
“What are you going to wear today?”
Sunscreen and the weight of everyone else’s expectations.
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down