Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?

“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them

13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.

ME: *peeing in the ocean*

WIFE: at least go in past your waist

You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.

There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.

This will never not be funny to me.

[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]

Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”

me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”

Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”

FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it

FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok

[at bank]
*slides teller a note*

Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*

Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.

I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.

I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy

“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?

Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.

Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit

ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.

The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.

The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor

Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour

The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.

Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.

My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.

Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.

[driving]

ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly

WIFE: ok we’re almost home

ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!

[i run in]

ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee

Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.

This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.

Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.

Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.