Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?

I got a cease and desist letter from a Venezuelan gang because one of them saw me throwing signs at the botanical gardens the other day.

This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch

Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?

Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread

Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim

YOU DON’T KNOW

Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*

[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”

setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here

Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?

So sad. Really.

YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am

Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity

*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd

Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.

[The Gorge in the Pride lands]

Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?

Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*

So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.

People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.

Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.

{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.

Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me

Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!

My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.

Me: I lost 13 pounds.

Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!

I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life

My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”

At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?

I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.

My dog watching me set my burrito down when I go to answer the door

Doctor: are you sexually active?

Me: I usually stay pretty still.

*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*

*calls to renew prescription*

If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.

I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.