Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.

Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.

I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.

New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.

To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.

*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.

Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.

Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.

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My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.

ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.

I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.

*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?

I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.

My husband found a deal on golf shoes from a Facebook ad. He was so excited bc they were so cheap. He said, “Can you BELIEVE this price?” I said, “You have to be careful of those ads, a lot are scams.”

That conversation was 8 months ago and those shoes are still in transit.

Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.

At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again

My work here is done

Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?

Me: Jake, at State Farm.

mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?

“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper

Me:

My cat: wow you sure nap a lot

I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions

WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea

Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.

911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?

Me: No. Pizza.

Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans

Why is this me 😫

Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.

Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.

Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.

wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”

“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head