Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the simulation is moving too fast

I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.

Current mood: Potato

a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.

The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:

– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us

TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit

I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.

When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.

Nobody:

Nobody:

Nobody:

Nobody:

Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely

Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?

I know you do. That’s why I do it.

My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.

🤣

I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.

[Running a marathon]

Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?

I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich

Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW

My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.

Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.

Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan

Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.

“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.

I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.

Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.

I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?

-Me, at Home Depot

Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high

Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*

if you’re a public defender named mario you have the chance to do the funniest thing ever

Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.

Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???

Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up

Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?

*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true