Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.

The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat

GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude

Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.

this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o

Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally

Me: ok

Boss: like… don’t tho

A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.

there should be an island full of all the dogs that bit people. could call it Bad Dog Island. and of course we’d send my little sister there too

Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.

Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight

What do best men at weddings in France do?

Making French toasts!

#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes

Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.

MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*

My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..

wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t

Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.

[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]

Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.

*hangs up*

Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-

I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like

Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.

Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.

today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore

My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.

why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward

Every photo I’m tagged in

The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.

Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel

went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw

If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.