Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
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Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
Tired of people being like “here’s my go-to easy meal” and then starting to preheat the oven
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
Look guys if The NY Times wanted to be serious journalism they wouldn’t have pivoted so hard into cooking and games, ok?
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.