Congrats to the “artist” who superimposed the face of King Charles onto a fingerpainting of a pomegranate.
You Might Also Like
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
It really ruins the vibe when you’re sharing a hilarious story from your childhood and people are like “omg that’s horrible” or “do you want my therapist’s phone number?”
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
Leaving the Barbers like
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
DOOO EEEET
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
What if you’re only given pork to eat in the afterlife? Would that be eternal hamnation?
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
This weekend, I’m taking an Uber to visit my parents, and then tipping extra so the driver does the visiting for me while I wait in the car. With the savings on my therapy bill, it should all balance out.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???