Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.

Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.

[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.

She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.

Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?

A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious

My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.

I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.

People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.

If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.

At my last colonoscopy I had the doctor write a note to my wife stating that my head was NOT up there…

I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.

You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!

Cop –

So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you

[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf

If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.

Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons

Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.

I’d like to speak to America’s manager.

Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back

Bus duty in the library after school.

Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,

Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long

An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.

I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.

I need to stop digging tunnels when I’m drunk where am I

Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”

We need to move

I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.

this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane

[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?

My kid: I’m not sure

Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?

My kid: I need more time to think

Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron