Congrats to the “artist” who superimposed the face of King Charles onto a fingerpainting of a pomegranate.
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Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.