Congrats to the “artist” who superimposed the face of King Charles onto a fingerpainting of a pomegranate.
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[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
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I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
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I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly