Congrats to the “artist” who superimposed the face of King Charles onto a fingerpainting of a pomegranate.
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me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
translated into Canadian
When my wife left, I was sad, upset and lonely.
Since then I’ve got a dog, bought a motorcycle, started dating again and gained 15 pounds. She’s gonna be pissed when she gets home from work.
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
money maker
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
I am all good here, 😂😉
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count