Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
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[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
*power walks to the refrigerator*
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
British drink offers for guests:
“Tea?”
“Coffee?”
“Water?”
“Squash?”
“Juice?”
“Beer?”
“Wine?”
“Something stronger perhaps?”
“I think I’ve actually got some [insert any quite obscure drink here] somewhere?”
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.