Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
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If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
Okay, he’s ricocheted off a few buildings, but he seems fine now.
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
Oh the world we live in…
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?