Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
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*puts cutlery down*
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
Worth a try
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
This water sounds like a sexually transmitted infection you get from a gentle breeze blowing up your shorts.
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
Okay, I’m still confused…
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
My dream car is a taco truck.
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
Just a friendly reminder!
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.