Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.

cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.

[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:

I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.

“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”

THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???

Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.

5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start

it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option

If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.

Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.

me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*

Hear me out: his and hers houses.

At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.

I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.

To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory

Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.

A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.

I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.

ME: alexa, make it quieter

*music gets way too quiet*

ME: alexa, make it louder

*music gets super loud*

ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter

ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?

ME: jesus christ

ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts

Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.

if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water

[Zoom call]

Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute

“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times

If Reincarnation ends up being real…

Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly

Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*

Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?

3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself

Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea

I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.

I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago

Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.