Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
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The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
This anagram machine is out of order.
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
If you innocently act like you don’t know, people will explain dirty words to you and it’s hilarious.
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
that lip filler tho
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
Just a reminder: 3-year-olds like to be given a choice! When you’re getting ready to go, ask them “would you like to wear sneakers or sandals?” so that they feel INCLUDED and EMPOWERED to scream at the top of their lungs that they want to wear their Mickey Mouse bedroom slippers
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
Apologies for the delays. The suitcase smashing machine has broken down, so we’re having to smash suitcases by hand.
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.