Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Waiter: *sets down check*

Me: my treat

Her: thank you so much

Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what

Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”

“Check engine”

Yep, it’s still there.

WAITER: what can I get you?

ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having

WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*

people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper

Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet

When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.

Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.

What goes “ooooooooo”?

A cow with no lips.

“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”

“There are four of us.”

“You heard me.”

The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.

So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.

10 signs that he’s just not that into you

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. He is a cat.

One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.

If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.

The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.

*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*

[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?

[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]

To keep the peace

me: turtles stole my pizza today

therapist: interesting

me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas

therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES

I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open

Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?

Kid: Yep

Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher

Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking

A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.

karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple

[later]

my bully brad: you’re stupid

me: where is your place of worship

My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.

Same girl, same.

Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.

Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?

Me: because you’re a pessimist.

oh to be lowered into a toaster with you, my bread slice wife

Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.

“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”

Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate

Abandoned amusement parks are so creepy.. it’s no wonder they were abandoned