Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs

I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.

I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.

Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.

Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows

Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?

Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.

Him: I land at 5 AM.

Me: I have no brother.

[my future self comes back in time]

HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years

ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me

Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.

Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.

*gets followed*

Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets

As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat

Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.

If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?

Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.

This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL

Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.

Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.

Me: I am a logical and rational fully grown adult.

Also me: I must run as fast as I can up the stairs after I’ve switched the light off at night so no monsters can grab me by the ankles.

*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*

*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*

Cashier: Hello

Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..

Cashier:…

Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.

*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*

*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*

“Fiona, You up?”

-Shrext.

I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.

Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor

My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.

Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?

Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*

Staring out into the horizon..

Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic

[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]

Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da

Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream

America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!

Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!

Me: