Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.

I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.

me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months

Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.

She says, the kids want to go to the circus.

I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.

Me: I’m not paranoid.

Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?

My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.

First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.

Batman: I’m afraid of bats

Superman: I’m afraid of soup

Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”

Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.

Me: I told him he would look good in it.

[texting]

her: 🍆+🍑

me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*

her: YES!!!!

In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.

“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”

Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”

Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.

How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.

Please don’t block me.

Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.

Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows

Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane

I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.

Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.

If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?

Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.

Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins

Wife: No you didn’t

Dog: Ruff

Me: See, wrath!

Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to

Dog: Gluttony

Wife: Holy shit

Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.

*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*

[tightening roller skates]

“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”

“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”

– How to put on glasses.

Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.

“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”