Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.

Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.

Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.

Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.

Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.

Elephant Son: What is?

I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly

Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?

I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.

Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!

Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law

Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam

PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”

They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”

That suggestion has holes in it.

I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.

[crashing my bike]

spin class instructor: how did you do that

I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano

FUN FACT:

Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…

I miss getting my misinformation from less places

do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.

*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson

Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you

Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!

Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug

The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.

If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.

I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body

Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.

If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.

Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.

That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th

Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.

Dear cashiers born in the 2000s:
You do not need to raise your eyebrows and mouth “damn” to yourself when you look at the birth year on my ID

Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night

Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?