Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!

Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.

Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”

Gross, who put proof in this pudding?

If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.

There’s a new part of my brain aggressively trying to make me completely dedicate my life to becoming an expert on German amusement parks. It’s like “hey dude this stuff might be the most important shit you’ll ever learn” and I’m like christ. You’re probably right

when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?

There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.

*my cat, who has 3 different beds and a cat tree* I must sleep on the clothes you have laid out for the day

CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?

Me: For like important stuff I guess.

CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!

Me: I said impor-

CNN: Using chopsticks!

Me: She did WHAT?

There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.

no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.

[finishing last sip of wine]

waiter: would you like another glass?

me: no just refill this one

Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?

Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*

Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.

GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!

ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.

“What state are we in now?”

-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip

Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in

Me: one mcflurry please

Cashier: the machine is down

Me: awe then one for the machine too

“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”

-oh, u drive a school bus?

“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”

💀😭

nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper

If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.

Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌

I got confused by all the yard signs, and I think I may have voted for a realtor.

Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”

Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.

1st graders: *crying

[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*

Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.

Me: You’re leaving me again?

Her: (packing)

Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?

Her: (walking downstairs)

Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?

Her: (opening door)

Me: Come on, one more chance!

Her: (car starting)

Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!

Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart

Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.

me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?

me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.

I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.