@Bob_Janke

Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.

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@DrDogMD

DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?

@BoomBoomBetty

Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.

FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?

Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?

@linanneblack

It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.

@JasonIsbell

People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.

@TheToddWilliams

[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing

@undeadmolly

I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.

@Sassafrantz

He’d probably stop sending me “good morning, beautiful” texts if he saw how many chins pop out when I look down to read it.

@iwearaonesie

wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry