@DrDogMD
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
@Bob_Janke
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
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@DrDogMD
@BoomBoomBetty
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
@linanneblack
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
@JasonIsbell
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
@JimmerThatisAll
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
@TheToddWilliams
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
@undeadmolly
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
@Sassafrantz
He’d probably stop sending me “good morning, beautiful” texts if he saw how many chins pop out when I look down to read it.
@iwearaonesie
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
@HuajatollaChic
Science is to Scientology as meth is to Methodist.