Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
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My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
ouch
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?