Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.

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A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.


My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.


*Knocks on door*
Hey open up. You didn’t reply to my last 43 texts & then you tweeted about a guy who keeps annoying you. You need help?


Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?

Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.


Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks


When I was in my twenties we didn’t have hipsters we had AIDS, which was almost as bad.


that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse