Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.

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DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?


Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.

FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?

Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?


It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.


People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.


“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing


I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.


He’d probably stop sending me “good morning, beautiful” texts if he saw how many chins pop out when I look down to read it.


wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry