Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
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“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
I was bullied by a cheerleader in high school and she used to tan every day so I stayed out the sun for 34 years and now I look 10 years younger than she does. WHO’S CHEERING NOW BRITTNI?
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
Looking forward to Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck getting back together again in 2044.
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
Someone has been running a leaf blower off and on for about 2 hours now & I’m starting to understand murder
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
a friend of mine dresses like Adam sandler but sometimes she’ll swap the oversized tee for a tiny top and she calls it the madam sandler
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys