Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
You Might Also Like
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!