Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying

My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over

Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.

*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*

Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…

my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards

y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.

this is where I found it today

[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”

*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”

We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.

When I can’t barge, I careen.

I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly

You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500

My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.

teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle

me: that thing with the harp and wings

teacher: never mind

Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.

dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests

date 5: i don’t think the moon is real

[watching paint dry]

“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”

Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?

Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”

Kid bunny: ok

Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots

Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.

Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?

God: Yes

Raccoon: Comical?

God: *chuckles* Yes

Raccoon: Would make a great pet?

God: Oh my yes

Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!

God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda

Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.

love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here

My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.

Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?

Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”

If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.

It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.

I’m trying to shower you with affection. It doesn’t matter how I got into your bathroom.

This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.

before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’

after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’