Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
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Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
I don’t know who needs to hear this but, your fingers will never get sticky if you eat your chicken wings while you’re taking a bubble bath
please may i have the balding salaryman post-it notes….he grows alarmingly more bald as you use them…ah..
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
Establish dominance at work by telling your coworkers they look tired before they get a chance to say it to you
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
To all staff: the library now uses new programs for collaboration, project management, scheduling, and messaging. Each has different password requirements with 12-factor authentication. This will boost productivity for the 20 minutes a day that you’re not logging into something.
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.